The story of an Unwasted Life

Recently life has become very comfortable. Too comfortable. I wake up. I shower and get ready for work. I go to work. I come home. I eat supper. I watch a bit of TV, possibly go out and do something like meet a friend or go to a gig. Then I sleep. Is this really living?! I sense that this is more existence than life and I think to myself - when did I get so comfortable? When did I expect so little of myself?? I want to LIVE not exist!

So I read a book recently about a guy who is writing a film screenplay for a book that he wrote a few years ago -the book is based on his own life story. And as he writes the screenplay, his co-screen writers tell him that his life is too boring to put on film! Nobody will watch it because he doesn't really do anything of import- so he has to rewrite his life for the screenplay and add scenarios and plot developments which will make it more interesting to an audience! The author of the book said that life is like a story - that like all good stories it will have conflict and pain and growth for its characters - and that we can choose just how interesting our story is, and how it progresses. To some extent I agreed with him. In my head I think that I want to break out of my comfort zone...do something more meaningful with my time than update my Facebook status or watch trailers for movies that I'm never going to see; to meet and get to know people who will challenge and inspire me - or demand something of me...I know that it will be good for me. But the fact is it's much easier to put my feet up and watch back to back Scrubs when I get in from work rather than push the boundaries. And also the fact I'm scared shitless at times...of the thought of trying something new and failing, or trying to make a new friend and not succeeding...that isn't a great motivator! But I don't want to live a dull story and go through my days without adding something to someones life. I've never been a person who chose the easy life over the meaningful life and I don't want to become that person.

At the same time though I don't think this author took into account that often we don't have control over some aspects of our story. It's for the same reason that I really dislike self help books as I think our ability to help ourselves is often limited by things we have no control of. My health has been patchy to say the least over recent years - and in recent weeks I've had to deal with deterioration which has been a bit worrying and at times very frustrating. I think losing the sense of control and not knowing what the future holds is the hardest part - and it's that which makes me think that assuming we are the sole authors of our own story is a flawed assumption. I think I've got to surrender my story to God and accept that he's playing a part in writing my story as well. I'm not saying that he's giving me crappy health - but I think that having health issues has reminded me about how important God's role is in my story. I don't have the ability to decide that "OK I'm going to start training and become super fit and run marathons...or that I'm going to work really hard and power up the career ladder..." I know that with my health and the medication I take and what it does to my concentration - that these decisions are just not options for me. But I don't think that the situation means I should have no story at all. Full surrender to God of every aspect of my life - of my health, my relationships, my work, my free time...I think that gives me the opportunity to have a great life story because I think God will make a much better author than me! Maybe I won't be doing amazingly exciting things - but I'm sure God's in charge of the writing, then he'll write in opportunities for me to have impact, for me to love and be loved, for me to bring change, and to show that Jesus and his story bring hope.

There's a guy who preached some sermons on the Unwasted Life...it was all about how not to waste your youth, your money, your love...the list went on. It challenged me - to do what I can to manage my health so that at least I can have a shot at not wasting these things. What he was basically talking about was radical, Jesus style living - totally counter cultural and a lifestyle which impacted anyone who came into contact with it. It's a lifestyle fueled by God's grace as he described it as the grace God shows us through giving us Jesus, spilling out in our lives and into the lives of others in the form of love. And I thought that would be a good story to live. A life where I feel loved so much by Jesus that that love just spills out - and I become a person who is a marked person. Marked out by that love. I may not be able to do loads of remarkable things or change loads of things - unfortunately it's impossible for me to order a new body, or to dispose of my scattiness and tendency for verbal diarrhoea, or to suddenly become supremely confident...but I guess I can let God take the reigns, take the pen and write the story and see where he takes it - and be open to being taken in that direction. Which I'm assuming will mean stepping out of the circle of comfort. I don't want to waste my life.

I'd rather live a life that counts - a life that counts for others not just me - and I want to want that more than I want the easy life.