Female, single and Christian

I'm single.  I'm 25 years old and I do not have a boyfriend...let alone a husband! It's nearing the end of May which means that wedding season is beginning to loom. This is becoming a season which holds more and more significance for me each year...as more and more of my friends seem to be getting married.

In practical terms it means I'm desperately trying to buy the most affordable thing on wedding lists and becoming more familiar than I had ever intended on being with the home living sections at John Lewis and Debenhams. It means I'm going to have to hit the charity shops to buy a wedding outfit as I've worn the dresses I reserve for weddings and special occasions a number of times during last year's wedding season. As there are a number of people whom I only ever see at weddings they may begin to think I only ever wear the same item of clothing all year round...so I may be forced to find an alternative (with the charity shop offering an option where I might not completely bankrupt myself in the process). It means that at the weddings I attend I have to remind myself to keep focussing on the happy couple declaring their everlasting love for each other and to celebrate with them, NOT to allow my eyes to wander across the congregation of family and friends, wondering which of the men might be single...! Yes I said it... and if you're a single woman and you've been to any weddings recently, yes you've thought the same thing! 


But going to all of these weddings does remind me of my present state of singleness and makes me think about it more than I normally would. I have actually been thinking quite philosophically about my singleness these past few months. Being single was never something that really bothered me until last year...then I realised that somehow it had to started to bother me too much. A few years earlier my aunt had ever so kindly told me that statistically speaking, with there being 4 girls in our family, one of us would probably end up alone. At the time I just laughed and marvelled at how on earth she could think this was an appropriate thing to say to me, but after my younger sister got married and popped out a kid and my elder sister had twins, the words started to come back and haunt me! In this world there's already more women than men, but as a Christian and therefore, being part of a community which is dominated by females, the odds of getting married become even more stacked against me. Added on to this, circumstances mean I haven't and don't meet that many men (working for a charity which has mostly female employees, before that studying on a course which was 80% women and before that teaching in an all girls school).

So where does that leave me?  How do I put the future to rest and accept the very real possibility that I might not get married eventually? That I may end up without a husband. This is no easy thing to do. First of all, we're bombarded by messages that marriage and relationships are the best thing and that that is the only way I'll be truely happy/fulfilled. Adverts for deodrant, cheese, banks and cars tell me that if I buy their product I'll attract a great man, or have a family, or have a fulfilled relationship i.e this is what I should be aspiring to obtain and the way I can obtain it is through buying these products. Political parties tell me that marriage is better by offering to give tax breaks to married couples, or by promising to promote traditional family values (because if you're not married your values are evidently not up to scratch and don't merit being given a tax break...) The best selling books and films are based on romantic relationships (which either work out well or with one partner dying knowing the other one loved them more than anything;). Seems if I don't follow the story of the book, the film or the advert...then I've failed. I don't have a chance at having a happy life. I'm going to be alone and miserable..and to follow the stereotype get cats and start talking to them. It doesn't help that within the Christian community, I'll often in the course of conversation with a young person who I've just met, hear them refer to their wife and then look at them in bewilderment as they barely look old enough to go to university, let alone be married! 

I was listening to a talk on a long car journey recently. The speaker made a couple of points which made me think. First of all he was talking about how this life is only a temporary state. We're only here for a couple of decades and then we'll spend forever after with God. All marriages end at death...there won't be any married people in heaven. So we can help ourselves deal with our singleness by not focusing on the crust of dry bread that is this life and all human relationships when there is a never ending banquet to feast on with God in heaven. This is hard to accept completely when I see seemingly very happy married people and when I play with my gorgeous nieces and wonder if I will have my own mini Beckys in the future...but I guess I can't compare my Maker and Saviour with human beings and if I do, I risk replacing him as the only one that I worship. 


The speaker also made the point that in the Old Testament, the survival of the Jewish nation depended on Jews marrying and procreating. The Jews grew by giving birth to more Jews! They grew by growing their own families - in a biological way. The thing is, in the New Testament things changed. The Christian family does not grow by us getting married to other Christians and giving birth to Christian babies. The family of Christ grows by people from all walks of life being born all over again into that family, by them being adopted by Christ and welcomed into his family by existing members. So we are all husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers....to each other. Even Jesus said it himself when asked about his family, saying, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice."

Somehow I think that if this was how we, the church, operated, I wouldn't be half as scared of singleness as I am. If I were all of these things to my spiritual family, and they were these things to me, marriage would seem like just another option in the book, rather than the best and most superior option available. Right now, albeit admittedly unwillingly, I'm walking the walk that Jesus chose to walk, the walk that Paul praised to the skies, the walk that affords the most opportunity to dedicate my life to Christ - the walk of an unmarried person. It's a tough and often lonely walk but I think I could make so much more of it if it were recognised as a good thing, as an opporunity for great good. We congratulate people when they start a relationship and we celebrate their marriages - and rightly so - I'd be bouncing off the roof if I were to be getting married. But on the otherhand, there have been times when I've witnessed the end of what have been quite frankly unhealthy and co-dependant relationships which have sucked the life and personalities out of the two partners, and I've felt like congratulating them on becoming single! I would love it if my leaders, my spiritual family, my biological family, would also get excited about single people and all the amazing stuff they can and do, do...with all that spare time, money and energy! To get excited, to recognise it as a good thing, to encourage people in whatever situation they're in.


I don't think I've put the future to rest. I'm not sure I ever will. I struggle with loneliness and the doubts about God that it brings. I struggle with that sense of failure from not finding a partner, I get annoyed by that feeling that some married friends and family are feeling sorry for me and assuming I'm lacking something in my life...I'd be lying if I said that I had it all sorted as I sincerely don't. But I think it makes sense to focus on building the family of God, strengthening my spiritual family and opening myself up to being strengthened and supported by them...by allowing God to love and change me...and by being a sister, a mother, a daughter to others. This way I'm better equipped to being not sorted. Better equipped for the single life...

The "Christian Party"....Not in my name...!

I got my postal vote through the post the other day. Over the past few weeks I’ve been following the three main party's election campaigns and trying to figure out who to vote for, which has proved quite a difficult decision given that I don’t completely agree with any of their manifestos, that I trust some of the party leaders more than others, and that my local MP doesn’t seem to want to align herself with the party whose ticket she is standing on!

On the ballot paper there are the usual suspects…Tory, Labour and Lib Dems plus the parties which don’t stand a chance of winning (Greens and UKIP) and the party which would push me to immigration if they should get into power – the BNP. However, this year they’re joined by a new party who’ve never had the opportunity for vote for before – the Christian Party.

Intrigued as to who the Christian Party were and what kind of Christianity they were representing, I checked out their website.

Oh dear.

ohhhhhhhhhh deeeeeeeaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr!

I'm now blogging and I only blog when I feel strongly about something so you can see where this is heading...

I’m a Christian – a loud and proud Christian. I’m all about Jesus and believe he can transform lives. I’m not a closet Christian – or at least I don’t want to be. I believe if we really applied Jesus’ teaching to our lives and the way we relate to the world and our communities, the Church could be the most powerful agent of change on this earth. I know how that may sound to many people – in this society where truth is fluid and where believing in Christ and wanting to orientate your life around serving God seems like a weird form of extremism. But what I found in the manifesto of the Christian Party and on their website actually made me feel like RUNNING into the closet - or better still, wishing there was another name to describe the faith that defines me as these people have hijacked Christ's name for an agenda which seems foreign to teachings of Jesus.

The Christian Party's website says...

"The time has come for Christians of all denominations to stand up for their beliefs and resist the tide of secularism destroying our country. The Christian Party exists to fulfill this vital role. The voice of the once mighty church may have been reduced to a mere whisper, but the Christian Party will not be – it will speak out and not be silent. Whatever your denomination or churchmanship, the time has come to unite and stand together for the Christian faith and all it represents. The more who join the Christian Party the louder our Christian voice will become. If you agree that this is so, it may be that God is calling on you to join together with other like-minded Christians throughout the country who are equally concerned about the state of the church and nation.

The primary purpose of the Christian Party is to proclaim the Lordship of Christ. The party also exists to empower those who confess “Jesus Christ as Lord!” to serve him in the political sphere."

There are so many issues with this.

Personally I'm quite glad that the voice of the mighty Church of the past is now a whisper. It's not that I think Christians' should be silent on political issues far from it - but the "mighty" Church of the past was a Church that was responsible for supporting travesties like the Crusades, the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade and colonisation! I personally would not use the word "mighty" to describe that the institutionalised religion which brought about misery to millions across the world, tarring the name of Christ for generations to come. We shouldn't bemoan the end of that Church - rather celebrate it and look to building a new Church characterised by love, not judgement, by humility and service not the dictation of "Christian" values.

It is worrying that the party wants to use the political arena, to use parliamentary seats, seats in government to "proclaim the Lordship of Christ." Are our memories that short? Christianity has a long chequered history of trying to uphold “Christian” values in the world through government action. The Crusades and colonisation left a trail of death and destruction across Europe and the Middle East for the former and numerous countries now dealing with untold internal conflict and political strife for the latter. Lots of countries are now “culturally” Christian in that they have lots of churches with lots of people who sit in them for an hour or two on a Sunday and even more who go at Easter or Christmas. They have cultures which outwardly frown on “sin” and condemn and judge people for their failings…but where in private everyone is caught up in the same types of wrong doing. Yes we upheld "Christian" moral values so much and proclaimed the message with such vigour that it was more a case of ramming the values down their throats good and proper so they couldn’t fail to have that kind of culture…but are they full of people who love Jesus, love others sacrificially and live lives set apart for God? Are they really?

Party politicising Christianity in the long term could actually impede the good news about Jesus getting out there and transforming people’s lives…not help it! Especially when the Christianity which is being proclaimed is more reflective of traditional values than Christian ones. It gets confusing because Jesus was very political in the way that he challenged the corruption and hypocrisy of the Jewish religious leaders, the way that he taught about caring for and accepting the most vulnerable and marginalised in society - his political agenda was one that could be summed up in one verse "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbour as yourself." The Bible has a lot to say about speaking up for the rights of those who can't speak for themselves, exploitation of the poor, debt, lending, good and bad governance practices, the way to relate to other nations...

The thing is, hardly any of these things are reflected in the Christian Party's manifesto. Rather its the usual moralistic focus in terms of issues related to sexuality and abortion, with virtually no attention paid to the immorality of poverty and marginalisation. My impression is that they are confusing Christian values with traditional "moral" values. Here's some of the things from their manifesto which stood out to me...

On Taxation - Increase VAT to 20 per cent whilst maintaining the current exemptions.

- abolish inheritance tax.

On Health - Sell off state owned hospitals and healthcare facilities to private sector healthcare providers.

- Make private health insurance a visa requirement for migrants.

On the Environment - Call for the restoration of Sunday as a day of rest, to allow reflection by individuals and communities on the role they have to play. A re-ordering of values is needed.

On government and democracy - Call for withdrawal from the European Union in the event that the United Kingdom electorate votes against the Lisbon Treaty in a referendum.

On Education - Re-instate the teaching of ‘Classical’ subjects in every school.

- Introduce an Education Voucher Scheme

- Re-instate mandatory Christian religious education in schools

- Seek sanctions for schools that refused to comply with their obligation to assemble pupils for an act of daily worship. Such acts of worship should be Christian.

- Ensure that the United Kingdom’s Christian heritage is properly reflected in the National Curriculum.

- Call a halt to plans to give sex education lessons in Primary Schools.

- Call for sex education classes to be given only to teenagers on a parental opt-in basis

I just don't get it. We can't impose our values on people - that's counter productive whatever the values might be. This Party may think that it's helping the cause of Christ but actually if they got elected they would be detracting from it as they wouldn't be proclaiming Christ's Lordship, they would be imposing it by proclaiming a kind of dictatorship which people might outwardly submit to because it would be the law, but in their hearts and minds its unlikely there would be any personal commitment to Jesus. Because is forced religious observance really a sign of the Lordship of Christ in a person's life? People need to turn to Christ of their own accord, because they want to experience his grace, love and forgiveness...it won't come through co-ercion.

Living lives full of the fruits of the Spirit – love, kindness, peace, joy, self control, goodness…that’s a sign of the Lordship of Christ. Living sacrificially, caring for the poor, living a life where the ambition it to serve God and others, living a life of purity and self control – that’s the sign of the Lordship of Christ. Standing with the down trodden, speaking out for those without a voice through lobbying and campaigning - whether it be an unborn child or a group in a developing country which is being hurt by the British government's policies...that's a sign of the Lordship of Christ. Exercising our rights to free speech and telling others about our faith and Jesus in way which has no coercive agenda - that's a sign of the Lordship of Christ! Making governance decisions to benefit others, not just ourselves - that's a sign of the Lordship of Christ! But if we turn to a political party which is isolating Christians and the Church out from the world even more than we already are - we'll never be in the world, we'll never be able to reach it and we'll stand as an obstacle to the good news of Jesus.

I will use my vote on Thursday. I don’t think the women who threw themselves under horses and chained themselves to public buildings at the beginning of the 20^th century would appreciate me not exercising my civic duty! But although there's a party which has taken the name of one whom I hold dear...I will not be voting for them. As that's all they seem to have taken - a name.