In practical terms it means I'm desperately trying to buy the most affordable thing on wedding lists and becoming more familiar than I had ever intended on being with the home living sections at John Lewis and Debenhams. It means I'm going to have to hit the charity shops to buy a wedding outfit as I've worn the dresses I reserve for weddings and special occasions a number of times during last year's wedding season. As there are a number of people whom I only ever see at weddings they may begin to think I only ever wear the same item of clothing all year round...so I may be forced to find an alternative (with the charity shop offering an option where I might not completely bankrupt myself in the process). It means that at the weddings I attend I have to remind myself to keep focussing on the happy couple declaring their everlasting love for each other and to celebrate with them, NOT to allow my eyes to wander across the congregation of family and friends, wondering which of the men might be single...! Yes I said it... and if you're a single woman and you've been to any weddings recently, yes you've thought the same thing!
But going to all of these weddings does remind me of my present state of singleness and makes me think about it more than I normally would. I have actually been thinking quite philosophically about my singleness these past few months. Being single was never something that really bothered me until last year...then I realised that somehow it had to started to bother me too much. A few years earlier my aunt had ever so kindly told me that statistically speaking, with there being 4 girls in our family, one of us would probably end up alone. At the time I just laughed and marvelled at how on earth she could think this was an appropriate thing to say to me, but after my younger sister got married and popped out a kid and my elder sister had twins, the words started to come back and haunt me! In this world there's already more women than men, but as a Christian and therefore, being part of a community which is dominated by females, the odds of getting married become even more stacked against me. Added on to this, circumstances mean I haven't and don't meet that many men (working for a charity which has mostly female employees, before that studying on a course which was 80% women and before that teaching in an all girls school).
But going to all of these weddings does remind me of my present state of singleness and makes me think about it more than I normally would. I have actually been thinking quite philosophically about my singleness these past few months. Being single was never something that really bothered me until last year...then I realised that somehow it had to started to bother me too much. A few years earlier my aunt had ever so kindly told me that statistically speaking, with there being 4 girls in our family, one of us would probably end up alone. At the time I just laughed and marvelled at how on earth she could think this was an appropriate thing to say to me, but after my younger sister got married and popped out a kid and my elder sister had twins, the words started to come back and haunt me! In this world there's already more women than men, but as a Christian and therefore, being part of a community which is dominated by females, the odds of getting married become even more stacked against me. Added on to this, circumstances mean I haven't and don't meet that many men (working for a charity which has mostly female employees, before that studying on a course which was 80% women and before that teaching in an all girls school).
So where does that leave me? How do I put the future to rest and accept the very real possibility that I might not get married eventually? That I may end up without a husband. This is no easy thing to do. First of all, we're bombarded by messages that marriage and relationships are the best thing and that that is the only way I'll be truely happy/fulfilled. Adverts for deodrant, cheese, banks and cars tell me that if I buy their product I'll attract a great man, or have a family, or have a fulfilled relationship i.e this is what I should be aspiring to obtain and the way I can obtain it is through buying these products. Political parties tell me that marriage is better by offering to give tax breaks to married couples, or by promising to promote traditional family values (because if you're not married your values are evidently not up to scratch and don't merit being given a tax break...) The best selling books and films are based on romantic relationships (which either work out well or with one partner dying knowing the other one loved them more than anything;). Seems if I don't follow the story of the book, the film or the advert...then I've failed. I don't have a chance at having a happy life. I'm going to be alone and miserable..and to follow the stereotype get cats and start talking to them. It doesn't help that within the Christian community, I'll often in the course of conversation with a young person who I've just met, hear them refer to their wife and then look at them in bewilderment as they barely look old enough to go to university, let alone be married!
I was listening to a talk on a long car journey recently. The speaker made a couple of points which made me think. First of all he was talking about how this life is only a temporary state. We're only here for a couple of decades and then we'll spend forever after with God. All marriages end at death...there won't be any married people in heaven. So we can help ourselves deal with our singleness by not focusing on the crust of dry bread that is this life and all human relationships when there is a never ending banquet to feast on with God in heaven. This is hard to accept completely when I see seemingly very happy married people and when I play with my gorgeous nieces and wonder if I will have my own mini Beckys in the future...but I guess I can't compare my Maker and Saviour with human beings and if I do, I risk replacing him as the only one that I worship.
The speaker also made the point that in the Old Testament, the survival of the Jewish nation depended on Jews marrying and procreating. The Jews grew by giving birth to more Jews! They grew by growing their own families - in a biological way. The thing is, in the New Testament things changed. The Christian family does not grow by us getting married to other Christians and giving birth to Christian babies. The family of Christ grows by people from all walks of life being born all over again into that family, by them being adopted by Christ and welcomed into his family by existing members. So we are all husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers....to each other. Even Jesus said it himself when asked about his family, saying, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice."
The speaker also made the point that in the Old Testament, the survival of the Jewish nation depended on Jews marrying and procreating. The Jews grew by giving birth to more Jews! They grew by growing their own families - in a biological way. The thing is, in the New Testament things changed. The Christian family does not grow by us getting married to other Christians and giving birth to Christian babies. The family of Christ grows by people from all walks of life being born all over again into that family, by them being adopted by Christ and welcomed into his family by existing members. So we are all husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers....to each other. Even Jesus said it himself when asked about his family, saying, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice."
Somehow I think that if this was how we, the church, operated, I wouldn't be half as scared of singleness as I am. If I were all of these things to my spiritual family, and they were these things to me, marriage would seem like just another option in the book, rather than the best and most superior option available. Right now, albeit admittedly unwillingly, I'm walking the walk that Jesus chose to walk, the walk that Paul praised to the skies, the walk that affords the most opportunity to dedicate my life to Christ - the walk of an unmarried person. It's a tough and often lonely walk but I think I could make so much more of it if it were recognised as a good thing, as an opporunity for great good. We congratulate people when they start a relationship and we celebrate their marriages - and rightly so - I'd be bouncing off the roof if I were to be getting married. But on the otherhand, there have been times when I've witnessed the end of what have been quite frankly unhealthy and co-dependant relationships which have sucked the life and personalities out of the two partners, and I've felt like congratulating them on becoming single! I would love it if my leaders, my spiritual family, my biological family, would also get excited about single people and all the amazing stuff they can and do, do...with all that spare time, money and energy! To get excited, to recognise it as a good thing, to encourage people in whatever situation they're in.
I don't think I've put the future to rest. I'm not sure I ever will. I struggle with loneliness and the doubts about God that it brings. I struggle with that sense of failure from not finding a partner, I get annoyed by that feeling that some married friends and family are feeling sorry for me and assuming I'm lacking something in my life...I'd be lying if I said that I had it all sorted as I sincerely don't. But I think it makes sense to focus on building the family of God, strengthening my spiritual family and opening myself up to being strengthened and supported by them...by allowing God to love and change me...and by being a sister, a mother, a daughter to others. This way I'm better equipped to being not sorted. Better equipped for the single life...
I don't think I've put the future to rest. I'm not sure I ever will. I struggle with loneliness and the doubts about God that it brings. I struggle with that sense of failure from not finding a partner, I get annoyed by that feeling that some married friends and family are feeling sorry for me and assuming I'm lacking something in my life...I'd be lying if I said that I had it all sorted as I sincerely don't. But I think it makes sense to focus on building the family of God, strengthening my spiritual family and opening myself up to being strengthened and supported by them...by allowing God to love and change me...and by being a sister, a mother, a daughter to others. This way I'm better equipped to being not sorted. Better equipped for the single life...
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